A Book I'll Never Write

"Years have passed since you’ve left. I’m not the same person that I was when you left. I sometimes wonder what could have been if I was a different person. I know there’s no going back to the people that we once were, but when I look at the horizon and see the mountains, I can’t help but think of all of the mountains we climbed and plans we made together. Life took you away too soon, and I’ll never forget what you told me that night you left, ‘I hope you find the happiness you’ve been pretending to have.’ Only, I never was pretending, I was just too naive to know how to show you how happy I really was, and now I’ll never get the chance. You never know the last time you will see someone. You don’t know when the last conversation will be, or the last time you will look into their eyes and thanked God they are in your life; and after they’re gone, that’s all you will think about day and night.” - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write

"I’m not saying I went there looking for some form of spiritual awakening. I know what I’ve been taught, but more importantly I know what I believe. At the same time there’s been a lot more hate and pain in the world lately. It’s easy to doubt. You can’t check your phone without reading about some bomb or shooting happening; and every time it’s the same thing. Some fancy politician gets on the evening news and offers his prayers and sympathies to all those who are affected. I wonder when the last time they wondered among their constituents. Others take advantage of the opportunities to push their agenda in the wake of the devastation. Political parties further divide themselves on the same debate that will again fade until another situation brings it up. And then the blame comes and everyone is rushing to put the blame on the first thing that fits, as if they are carrying a ticking time bomb; but no one wants to admit that maybe we are the ones at fault. We are too busy labeling and placing the blame that we can’t see that these are attacks against humanity, humans, our mothers and father, our brothers and sisters. Why do we have to label something to understand it? Why can’t can’t we acknowledge what happened and evoke change? We don’t want your thoughts and prayers, we don’t want another vigil, we want change, not talks about it, real change. But I don’t think that’s possible, because as much as we want change, few of us are actually willing to put forth the effort required. The circumstances are dire enough, which scares.

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that these situations keep happening, or that we are becoming numb to it because it’s keeps occurring. I’m not here to tell you what to believe or think, I’m just here to pray. Walking into this church I felt something I haven’t felt for a long time…peace. I can’t help stand in awe and sense of reverence in this place. I prayed for you. At every church I could find. I lit a candle and prayed for you, your family, your friends. I prayed that you’d find the peace, purpose, and love that you’ve been so desperately seeking. I don’t know what I was looking for that day, but what I found, what I found was what I needed." - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write

"I’ve always had a fascination with the concept of ‘the end’. What happens at the end? Does it all matter? Was it all for nothing? I’ve struggled with the idea of what kind of legacy I’ll leave behind, and if it will be one worth remembering. I fear that I will leave behind something that is not worth remembering and that it will it fade away into a memory forgotten as my body fades into the lost past of yesterday. In my pursuit of creating my legacy, I have feared that that my journey will one day lead me to a point where I won’t recognize the person I’ve become when I see my reflection. That I will have become so lost within the monotony of routine and effort of creating something worth remembering, that I won’t creating anything that is worth remembering.

Today, I still want to leave a legacy that lives on after I do, one that is worth remembering, but I’m no longer afraid to look into my reflection. I know who I am, I know who I want to be. Every morning I’ve asked myself the same question that has kept me grounded as I continue my journey. I’ve always asked myself, 'what would the child you once were think of the adult you have become?'" - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write

"People talk about finding inner peace and balance. They seek a sense of serenity, serendipity, or calmness to their restless soul. While many seek this nirvana, few find it. Not because it's requires a great journey of distance, but rather a quest that requires looking within; a task many are not keen on doing, for what they will find. But I believe that we already know the answer to our troubles, we only need to take action to continue the ever ongoing cycle, a balance between dark and light. I wear these bracelets as a reminder to myself that there is balance, all you have to do is look within yourself. You are the author of your life story, what do you wish to write next?”

"Do you ever feel like you’re constantly sacrificing your own happiness to let others have theirs? Ever feel like you’re drowning in the thoughts you can’t tell people? I do. I’ve got a nasty habit of saying ‘yes’ when I should say ‘no.’ And now it's another night where I’m second guessing everything I’ve said yes to and that makes me sad as a result. My heart is forever battling to see if it beats for others or for myself. Because you see, you can feel the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain-no matter how smart or accomplished- they cry, they yearn, they hurt. We all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart. But we don't know how to make the right choices because we are blindly following something we don't fully believe. But you see, to make the right choices in life you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude-which most people are afraid of- because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions…Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I have tried to blend in with the world or be more sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am. So I’ve learned to enjoy myself, my family, and a few good friends." - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write

"When I first moved to this city, I didn’t think I would be as happy as I was back home. I was all by myself in this new city, a new place I’ve never been. No one likes to be the “new kid,” and I instantly felt like I was in high school again. I felt so alone and unwanted; then I met you. I never told you how much you meant to me when I first met you. I never told you this, but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you. You were the first friendly face in a crowded place. I’ll never forget that. And now when I look back I realize that so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You always talked about wanting to make a difference in people’s lives; to changing them. I never told you this, but you changed my life by being my friend." - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write

"I’m not afraid to walk this world alone. I’ve learned to walk away from anything that no longer makes me happy; however walking next to you is the happiest I’ve ever been and is one of my favorite memories, and one I don't want to lose. I never thought something so simple could make me so happy. When I think about all of the places we’ve walked side by side, I realized that while I wasn't afraid to walk this world alone, I don’t want to walk this world without you. You are the best memory I’ll ever have, and at the end of the day, all we are going to have is memories, that’s it and you have to make as many as you can, cause that’s all you’re going to have, but no matter what happens… some memories can never be replaced and some memories never fade." - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write

"The thing about secrets it that while they may initially come from a well intended intentions, they really only add a complicated factor to the equation. You may choose to keep secrets to protect yourself, or perhaps the people you care about, but at what cost? At first it may seem like nothing, a simple detail left unsaid. You might think to yourself ‘this is nothing’ after all it’s just a smalldetail. But you will soon come to find that there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out. And while I have learned that some thing are best kept secret, I’ve also learned that if you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. For the more you leave out, the more you highlight what you leave in. You must ask yourself, is this the type of life you want to live? Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside awakes. For you see, secrets are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind. Don’t you see? everything comes at a price. You may not realize it yet, but everything you do, want and have all comes at a price, whether you know the price it comes at is an entirely different story. 

So is a secret worth it? After all, a secrets worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept. But is that worth greater than the damage it does to your soul?" - Excerpt from A Book I'll Never Write